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December 25th, 2008 - Van Nuys.
Merry Christmas.
That's what people say at Christmas, right?
Except normally they have someone to say it to.
They have friends and family,
And they haven't been crouched naked under a Christmas tree
with a needle in their arm like an insane person in a mansion in Van Nuys.
They're not out of their minds, they're not writing in a diary,
And they're definitely not watching their holiday spirit coagulate in a spoon.
I didn't speak to a single person today.
I figured why should I ruin their fucking Christmas.
I've started a new diary and this time I have a few new reasons.
One, I have no friends left.
Two, so I can read back and remember what I did the day before.
And three, so if I die, at least I leave a nice little suicide note of my life.
It's just me and you, diary. Welcome to my fucking life.
Nobody would believe the shit that happens in my head, it's haunted.
Now that I've come down from the drugs
it seems like a sick play that I saw in a theater somewhere.
Thirty minutes ago, I could've killed someone.
Or better yet, myself.Don't give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it's alright
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore
I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend
And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.
Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there's a price for this
But some things in life you must resist
And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.
I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend
And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.
You know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.
So don't give up
It takes a whileWhen I first placed my hands on these diaries
Scraps of paper, there were notes and scribbles and all kinds of shit
A lot of feelings came bubbling up, but mostly this one--
How the hell am I still alive?
That's what I think every day.
But more on that later.
After all, this is just the intermission.Come on,
Come on get out of the way
Get out of the way man
You're going to have to let go of his arm
You have to let go sir
We've got about two minutes here
We've got about two minutes and we're going to lose him
Yeah, you, you miserable father
The one who ignored me for half of my life
Now I, I can't even look at you
Why? Why? Why?
Don't abandon me now
I don't want to die!
You can lead him to the ambulance
But you cannot make him live
No, you cannot make me live!
You can lead him to the ambulance
Lead me home!
But you cannot make him live
Would, could I have done differently
You never said there was anything wrong
Now the drugs, they give me encouragement
Why? Why? Why?
Oh God, tell me I'll make it
I'll give you my blood if that's all you need
Just don't tell me that I'm gonna die,
Die, die!
Don't abandon me now
I don't want to die
Alone...
You can lead him to the ambulance
But you cannot make him live
No you cannot make me live!
You can lead him to the ambulance
Why can't we celebrate? Lead me home!
But you cannot make him liveWhen I think back on this life
I guess we were doing the best we could
And to look at us from the outside
I'm sure it seems somewhat romantic
but when you've tasted excess
Everything else tastes bland
Yeah, we had everything to lose
But we still lived like we were about to die
After all, we were the drug scouts of America
I've begun evaporating
Right before your eyes
I just keep regurgitating
My own demise
I miss today I miss the past
I miss my veins 'cause they've collapsed
A simple thought occurs to me
I'm face down on the tracks
The train is coming fast
And it's not derailing
It's not the first time
And this won't be the last
That my heart is failing
As the blood is rushing
to my head
And from my wrists
I'm in love with all the things I know I should resist
And all the times you said to me
Your falling down ones destiny
A simple thought occurs to me
I'm face down on the tracks
The train is coming fast
And you're right there waiting
It's not the first time
And this won't be the last
That my heart is failing
Like I was saying
The look in the eyes of death
Was intoxicating
Taking it into our lungs
Laughing at ourselves
Where others would probably cry
And more importantly
I'd probably just die
Staring face to face with the demons
And not back down
Takes a constitution that most people just don't have
A life gets soiled with sex, drugs and rock and roll
I'm face down on the tracks
The train is coming fast
And it's not derailing
It's not the first time
And this won't be the last
That my heart is failing
I'm face down on the tracks
The train is coming fast
And you're right there waiting
It's not the first time
And this won't be the last
That my heart is failing
Day one. Dope free. I went to the clinic today and got the first dose of methadone.
I'm out of dope so I threw away all my rigs.
Day two. I can't believe it's been two days without junk.
Fucking smack, it just ruins peoples' lives.
At first it seems so sweet, then you wake up next to a monster.
Day three. I haven't had anything for three days now.
This withdrawal is killing me. It's like shock therapy to my guts.
Day four. Last visit to the clinic. My whole body feels like it's cracking into pieces.
Fragile doesn't even come close to describing how I feel.
Day five-- I'm sick as a dog, but this handful of painkillers
and a lotta whiskey's gonna get me through.
Day six-- When I'm left to my own devices I go fucking insane.
I'll never use heroin again.
Day seven-- I can't believe I'm clean!
Day eight-- Everyone says I look better--
Day nine-- The parasites are panicking--
Day ten-- They seem amazed that I'm alive!
Everything will be okay
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.
Everything will be okay
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.So here we are at the end,
And at the same time we're at the beginning
Of this misadventure.
Why I had to go down a dead end street
At 200 miles an hour
Screaming for vengeance and embracing death,
That's still something I'm trying to figure out.
You know a part of me thinks this is some big master plan
To expose the raw nerve endings of dysfunction so I can heal.
But you know addicts, we think everything's about us, don't we?
Man, it got so convoluted, polluted, and distorted
I turned it into my armor, my defense mechanism,
And my weapon of self destruction.
Yeah, I had a fucked up childhood. And I was a troubled teen.
Those are facts.
How I got there? That's a story told by many voice.
It's not my job to blame anybody anymore,
I just need to accept the path I was given.
This is, without a doubt,
My life... after death.
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hey, how are u? 
